more tears…

5 Jun

I need to go back over the last several days to remember everything that’s happened and to put it all into prospective.

After memorial day weekend, Red Rocket came in on Wednesday night, we had dinner and I had too much fear in me to talk about his upcoming nuptials. we had amazing sex and went to sleep,

Sex again thursday morning and off to work he went.  it was a beautiful day and Joann, Ginger and I went to the beach.  Rivera de la Coney Island!!

Later that day I spoke to my sister and my mother. probably by now think im a moron, for letting this drag on. my sister screaming at me” what are you doing?? be done with him already, move on with your life” mom said “your 46 years i cant tell you what to do anymore”

Oy Vey, just great!!

He came back on Friday night, we had dinner and i finally said to him ” i love you with all that I have, choose me, love me” but he still wasnt ready to talk, i said to him “until you decide what you want i think its best that we don’t speak”, “agreed” he said and as he walked out the & kissed me goodbye he said “I’ll talk to tomorrow” and off to bed i went and cried myself to sleep.

Since Daddy died, I light my shabbos candles every friday and pray to my Abba that he  watching over me. i pray he gives me the strength and guidance i need.

Saturday up at 4:00am, Ginger & I off to the flea market at 5:00am and thank god a good day.

Saturday night Red Rocket is back with an amazing lobster dinner, but something wasnt sitting right with me.  He still holding all the cards and I’m still in the dark on where this going… is it me or her and why can’t i be strong enough to say F*** this!!

Sunday, started out great, 2:30-3:00 the rain, the day was over. Overall a decent weekend $$ wise!

Monday, D came downstairs to say hi to Ginger and she was on a roll. oh boy did she rip me a new one. Screaming at me “what are you doing, why aren’t you done with him yet? and finally she said and this is what struck the cord, he’s marrying a russian stripper, he thought more of her to marry her than he did of you since he never wanted to marry you”!! so here come the tears again!

Now I love D, and sometimes she forgets to be compassionate, but this was the kick in the ass I needed to hear.

This is the letter I wrote him today and sent it at 5:00pm:

Red Rocket,

It’s been almost 2 weeks since this drama has unfolded.

 I’ve put my heart, my love for you and all my emotions out there for you to see.

 Like the spreadsheet you created for me, it took time for it to click in my head, and this drama has finally clicked in my head as well.

 You felt a Russian stripper looking for a green card to stay in this country was more worthy than me to marry!!

 For 12 years, I had always gotten the crumbs of your emotions, love and affection and I’m worth more than that.

 As far as the cheating goes, I did it, you did, so we’ll just call even….

 But I can’t keep pushing this off and sweeping it under the rug and pretending to myself that I’m the one you want to be with.

 If you truly loved me, you would have married me!!

 I have to stop being afraid about the truth, otherwise things in my life will never change and I can’t fight you or beg you to love me the way I need to be loved and I will not waste anymore of my energy to try and convince you otherwise.

 I hate myself for giving you the power to determine my future, because I cannot make you love me the way I’ve always wanted you to.

 So, with all that being said, it’s time to say goodbye to one another.  I wish you well and thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

 I will always love you!

 Your Supapookie

 6:00pm the phone rings, it him!

I didn’t answer.

The text blings, please answer the phone…

Conversation… Supapookie, that was some email… this is how I feel, I cant do this with you anymore. Can we talk on Thursday he said, what more is there to say??? is anything going to change, you’re still marrying her and I need to move on to have a life, a healthy life!!

Of course I gave in, I’m seeing him Thursday night.

My text to him: am I going to be hurt anymore on thursday than I am now?? that’s not my goal he said.

more to come….

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