where do i put the rage??

13 Jun

its been six days since i’ve written which is probably not a good thing cause instead of keeping calm, i’ve fully exploded!!

i showed my hand, one too many tequilas when Red Rocket & I went out for dinner on Thursday night.

he now knows an investigation has been put into place on the Stripper he’s choosing to marry. he’s told me he afraid of me and the rage I have towards him. he said he’s afraid of what i’m capable of. god, he makes me sound crazy!!

maybe i am, but im not violent, after a 6 hour text marthon with RR yesterday things are no better if not worse than the were 4 weeks ago when this drama unfolded.

the stripper finally answered me back on FB after i reached out to her a few weeks ago. in the process of the she also contacted RR and now will never know what I have to say to her as he’s convinced her to block me on FB. boy is she stupid, does she not think i can reach her out to her in other ways?

here’s the question, do i really want to take her down?

i will never put myself in a position for him or anyone else to be violent towards anyone. in 2003 i was arrested  for vechicular manslaughter. i’ve seen the inside of jail for all of 6 hours. i will never put my freedom in jeopardy for anyone!! (as more of this story unfolds, i will explain more about the year 2003 and how its changed my life forever)

As per my Sam, who i should of have enough faith in years ago and should have married,  told me i’m placing all my rage on her when she’s nothing but an innocent bystander in this drama. this all falls on RR!!

what a schmuck i am!! why cant i just tell him to finally go F*** himself and walk away with my head held high?? cause i thought if i fought for him and showed my tough girl act and to quote him “my Brooklyn comes out”, he would realize it was me he really loved.and come to his senses. Yeah right! didn’t that backfire in my face!

RR has been lying to me for god knows how long and he’s still lying to me, to her, his mother and god only know who else, who’s really the physico?

as i sit here and cry staring at my father’s picture & Ginger licks away my tears, i’m feeling so lost, hurt and angry!

RR said to me last night lets cool down for a few days and lets talk over the weekend,

i feel so deceived by him. everything has been a lie for so long. yes, he’s told me he loves me, but he’s never been in love with me and with that realization its time for me to walk away with my head held high & i will survive this!

D just came over, and gave me a hell for not listening to my head instead of my heart. she’s so right!! RR never loved me the way i should have been loved and he never will! come on LB get off the couch, stop crying and get this day started!!

more later….


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