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where do i put the rage??

13 Jun

its been six days since i’ve written which is probably not a good thing cause instead of keeping calm, i’ve fully exploded!!

i showed my hand, one too many tequilas when Red Rocket & I went out for dinner on Thursday night.

he now knows an investigation has been put into place on the Stripper he’s choosing to marry. he’s told me he afraid of me and the rage I have towards him. he said he’s afraid of what i’m capable of. god, he makes me sound crazy!!

maybe i am, but im not violent, after a 6 hour text marthon with RR yesterday things are no better if not worse than the were 4 weeks ago when this drama unfolded.

the stripper finally answered me back on FB after i reached out to her a few weeks ago. in the process of the she also contacted RR and now will never know what I have to say to her as he’s convinced her to block me on FB. boy is she stupid, does she not think i can reach her out to her in other ways?

here’s the question, do i really want to take her down?

i will never put myself in a position for him or anyone else to be violent towards anyone. in 2003 i was arrested  for vechicular manslaughter. i’ve seen the inside of jail for all of 6 hours. i will never put my freedom in jeopardy for anyone!! (as more of this story unfolds, i will explain more about the year 2003 and how its changed my life forever)

As per my Sam, who i should of have enough faith in years ago and should have married,  told me i’m placing all my rage on her when she’s nothing but an innocent bystander in this drama. this all falls on RR!!

what a schmuck i am!! why cant i just tell him to finally go F*** himself and walk away with my head held high?? cause i thought if i fought for him and showed my tough girl act and to quote him “my Brooklyn comes out”, he would realize it was me he really loved.and come to his senses. Yeah right! didn’t that backfire in my face!

RR has been lying to me for god knows how long and he’s still lying to me, to her, his mother and god only know who else, who’s really the physico?

as i sit here and cry staring at my father’s picture & Ginger licks away my tears, i’m feeling so lost, hurt and angry!

RR said to me last night lets cool down for a few days and lets talk over the weekend,

i feel so deceived by him. everything has been a lie for so long. yes, he’s told me he loves me, but he’s never been in love with me and with that realization its time for me to walk away with my head held high & i will survive this!

D just came over, and gave me a hell for not listening to my head instead of my heart. she’s so right!! RR never loved me the way i should have been loved and he never will! come on LB get off the couch, stop crying and get this day started!!

more later….


more tears…

5 Jun

I need to go back over the last several days to remember everything that’s happened and to put it all into prospective.

After memorial day weekend, Red Rocket came in on Wednesday night, we had dinner and I had too much fear in me to talk about his upcoming nuptials. we had amazing sex and went to sleep,

Sex again thursday morning and off to work he went.  it was a beautiful day and Joann, Ginger and I went to the beach.  Rivera de la Coney Island!!

Later that day I spoke to my sister and my mother. probably by now think im a moron, for letting this drag on. my sister screaming at me” what are you doing?? be done with him already, move on with your life” mom said “your 46 years i cant tell you what to do anymore”

Oy Vey, just great!!

He came back on Friday night, we had dinner and i finally said to him ” i love you with all that I have, choose me, love me” but he still wasnt ready to talk, i said to him “until you decide what you want i think its best that we don’t speak”, “agreed” he said and as he walked out the & kissed me goodbye he said “I’ll talk to tomorrow” and off to bed i went and cried myself to sleep.

Since Daddy died, I light my shabbos candles every friday and pray to my Abba that he  watching over me. i pray he gives me the strength and guidance i need.

Saturday up at 4:00am, Ginger & I off to the flea market at 5:00am and thank god a good day.

Saturday night Red Rocket is back with an amazing lobster dinner, but something wasnt sitting right with me.  He still holding all the cards and I’m still in the dark on where this going… is it me or her and why can’t i be strong enough to say F*** this!!

Sunday, started out great, 2:30-3:00 the rain, the day was over. Overall a decent weekend $$ wise!

Monday, D came downstairs to say hi to Ginger and she was on a roll. oh boy did she rip me a new one. Screaming at me “what are you doing, why aren’t you done with him yet? and finally she said and this is what struck the cord, he’s marrying a russian stripper, he thought more of her to marry her than he did of you since he never wanted to marry you”!! so here come the tears again!

Now I love D, and sometimes she forgets to be compassionate, but this was the kick in the ass I needed to hear.

This is the letter I wrote him today and sent it at 5:00pm:

Red Rocket,

It’s been almost 2 weeks since this drama has unfolded.

 I’ve put my heart, my love for you and all my emotions out there for you to see.

 Like the spreadsheet you created for me, it took time for it to click in my head, and this drama has finally clicked in my head as well.

 You felt a Russian stripper looking for a green card to stay in this country was more worthy than me to marry!!

 For 12 years, I had always gotten the crumbs of your emotions, love and affection and I’m worth more than that.

 As far as the cheating goes, I did it, you did, so we’ll just call even….

 But I can’t keep pushing this off and sweeping it under the rug and pretending to myself that I’m the one you want to be with.

 If you truly loved me, you would have married me!!

 I have to stop being afraid about the truth, otherwise things in my life will never change and I can’t fight you or beg you to love me the way I need to be loved and I will not waste anymore of my energy to try and convince you otherwise.

 I hate myself for giving you the power to determine my future, because I cannot make you love me the way I’ve always wanted you to.

 So, with all that being said, it’s time to say goodbye to one another.  I wish you well and thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

 I will always love you!

 Your Supapookie

 6:00pm the phone rings, it him!

I didn’t answer.

The text blings, please answer the phone…

Conversation… Supapookie, that was some email… this is how I feel, I cant do this with you anymore. Can we talk on Thursday he said, what more is there to say??? is anything going to change, you’re still marrying her and I need to move on to have a life, a healthy life!!

Of course I gave in, I’m seeing him Thursday night.

My text to him: am I going to be hurt anymore on thursday than I am now?? that’s not my goal he said.

more to come….

Memorial Day Weekend 2012…

4 Jun

Another weekend at Hell’s Kitchen and was it a rough one!!  Ginger was my copilot, poor little thing everyone wanted to pet her, it’s a wonder a sold anything!! lol

I need to go back to Friday so I don’t forget any of this.

After the week from Hell regarding the upcoming nuptials of my Red Rocket, we decided to meet in the city out our favorite restaurant, Mortons.

I decided if this relationship was going to be over at least I would look my absolutely best!! I wasnt going out looking beaten women!!

$280 later… highlights, hair done, full face of make up and the sexy jumpsuit I bought in 2008 and never wore and I was off.

we met in the city and the look in his face was worth every penny! he knew i pulled it together i wasnt going to look like i had been thru hell all week.

we sat at the bar and went thru all the paperwork that tied us together and now came the tears!!

i was ready to walk away!!

now i have to go back a little, somewhere in his mind he thought when we had talked about having kids and we all also had some of the most horrific fights over the last 12 years that if we did every get married, he would be raked over the coals if it ended in divorce and he would be nothing more that a weekend dad or the same would go if we ever wanted to adopt a child.

im 46 now and going thru menopause. my child-bearing years are over and being a convicted felon there is not way i would ever adopt unless we did it privately and we would be looking over $100k.

the funny thing, i honestly dont want a child anymore. my 2 beautiful nieces are enough for me. as they live in ATL i see them a few times a year and again that’s enough for me.

i now cringe when i hear a kid scream or cry. now don’t get me wrong, there’s a little part of me that misses not having my own baby, but i blew that! 2 abortions later and the fact that i killed someone in 2003 (i’ll explain this later) i figured this was god’s punishment to me.

getting back to friday at mortons. i decided to take the high road here. now i know, this girl that he proposed marriage to is about 15 years younger than him and he met her in a stripe club, imagine he wants to marry a  stripper!! what a joke, oh btw, she’s a russian immigrant. think she looking for a green card??

so, i said to him, if you truly love her and want to have babies, go marry her!! now here’s the best part according to him, he said “i don’t know if i love her, but i do know i do i love you” can you say mid-life crises?? oy vey!!

Ginger and i are going to the beach now… more later.

Back from the beach, what a glorious day!! Ginger and I went to the beach w/ D and her husband C.

when i get emotional i blurt everything out, i should know better not to do this with certian people as this always bites me in the ass . all day i had to listen to D go on and on about Red Rocket,  what an asshole he is and how he never loved me, cause if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me.

Thank god i didn’t tell her i had dinner with him friday night or that he also came in on saturday.

sex with Red Rocket at most times, it was just fair, sometimes good, and rarely amazing!!

friday was good, saturday was amazing!!!

now i know i shouldnt have done it,  he’s engaged!! but if there was a chance that he remembered that amazing sex and the last 12 years of of all the good w had and calls off this ridiculous shame of a wedding it was worth it! and if he doesn’t then he has to live with has to live with himself,  i will survive if he doesn’t leave her. i think he’s coming in tomorrow,  i gave him the weekend to figure out what he wants. so i guess I’ll know soon enough if we’re going to survive this and stay together or he’s married!!

let’s get back to Robert K. my first Prince Charming. My Robbie had everything, he was jewish, came from an amazing family, he was brilliant, and driven to succeed, which he did, but i guess how could he not, he was handed his family’s business on a silver platter, but I’ll give him his just due, he and  his brother Richie took the business the business to a whole other level.

right before i met Robbie i was a wild. i mean really wild. i was already getting high, drinking, and having more sex than any 15-year-old should have had.

what the hell was i thinking, what the hell was i doing???

i wanted to be free of my parents choke hold on me. so, i ran away from home. 

i always saw the freedom my friends had and my parents especially my mother was always controlling me.

when i left elementary school there were 2 junior high school. mark twain for the gifted and talented and Reynold’s, that’s where everyone else went.

i wanted to take dance & singing  as my talent, my mother made me take creative writing and something else that now i cant remember.

needless to say i ended up at Reynolds, BIG MISTAKE!!

its just a bat out of hell….

26 May

just to give a time line so i keep the days straight, today was the day the murdereer of etan patz was finally brought to justice after 33 years. one of the world cold case mysteries finally solved!! 

its also memorial day weekend 2012

so, after all the tears and the horrific things i said to Red Rocket, i still love him and want him in my life. i gave him a choice, its me or her. we both cried, had a nice dinner at mortons came home and made love like we hadnt done for quite some time.

all the truths will come out out soon, the good & the bad. he knows he can’t have his cake & eat it too.

i have so much going on in my head and so much i want to write, but i’m a weekend warrior and must go to sleep as i have to be up at 4am!!

will try to write over the weekend.

Hello world!

24 May

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